Hufflepuff Makes Center of Witch Weakly

In the knockoff news magazine's April contest for best house elf impersonator, three out of three top awards went to Hufflepuffs, as well as one honorable mention. Caraway Craven, shown at left, won top spot for her use of a designer tea cozy in her costume. Said Hufflepuff Head Girl Bovinia Belles about the win, "Most Hufflepuffs work so hard that they don't need house elves. I think that's why so many of us admire them. Of course when you share a value as lofty as hard work with another magical species, there's a connection there. I'm not surprised that my fellow Puffs ranked highest in the contest. It takes a lot of hard work to pretend to be a misjudged and scorned slave species."

Prizes for the winners included a book of Mathilda Snewtwart's latest household tips, posh scouring potions, and those slugs that clean the side of fish tanks.

Breaking News

A recent sweep of the Hufflepuff Common Room revealed a spate of attempts to hide clumsiness among House members. The sweep was made after Madam Pomfrey reported nine injuries to the buttocks regions of Hufflepuffs. Said Pomfrey, "After removing the fifth set of duck wings from Hufflepuff nethers, I went to the Headmaster, I did."

Mr. Argus Filch confiscated no less than seven broken wands stuffed into flower pots, under rugs, and, most dangerously, into the couch cushions. Other magical fragments were also binned, including expired floo powder. "It's no wonder the worst that has happened was a few duck bums! Arg," Filch commented.

In addition to finding quantities of broken objects in the common room, Filch noticed many obvious signs of alarmed students trying to cope with fear by magical means. Attempts ranged from trying to pass off frightening copies of The Monster Book of Monsters as footstools (with the aid of a binding spell) to dumping failed potions experiments in flower vases.

In related news, herbology Professor Neville Longbottom has begun grafting and potting seeds from four previously unseen flora species. Longbottom had this to say about the raid: "It's great that the kids have advanced herbology and all, but the take away message here is not to try to ditch your frightening bits of school work or the results of magical mishaps in the common room. We never had this problem in Gryffindor."

Quick Quips from the Quick Quotes Quill

• Two evenings ago Gary Goring became the first Hufflepuff in the history of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to be expelled. His final offense was attempting to recreate the movie “Fight Club” in the room of requirement. To all the first and second years that were coerced into participating with the promise of looking like Brad Pitt, your nine Sickles will be returned in the Great Hall tomorrow morning.
• The Inter-House ABBA Kazoo Cover Band (more commonly referred to as IHAKCB, pronounced eye-hack-ab) is once again made entirely of Hufflrpuffs. Their first concert is next Tuesday evening in the Charms corridor at seven o’clock PM, so come on out and show your Huffy pride.

Small talk with Mr. Foxton

Dear Mr. Foxton,

The other day in the corridor, a Slytherin fifth year started antagonizing my little brother, a Hufflepuff second year. He threatened physical violence, and although I managed to find a teacher before any altercation took place, it got me thinking- what do you do when pacifism conflicts with loyalty? Those traits are two of the most important things to both me and the vast majority of Hufflepuff House, and should I ever be put in a situation where I have to choose between the two, I’d want to know what you’d advise before making my choice.

Thanks,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

This is a superb inquiry. In an ideal world, such moral dilemmas would never occur, but as it is, people such as this dastardly Slytherin exist. You were absolutely right to find a professor. However, if your brother had been in immediate physically danger, the correct response would’ve been to place yourself between him and the Slytherin. This gives your brother a chance to get away, and gives you a chance to either talk the bully down, or practice self-defense should you need to. I’d warn you against injuring your attacker for fear of harming your Hufflepuff lifestyle, but the fact of the matter is, as a Hufflepuff, you probably couldn’t hurt him if you tried.

All the best,

Mr. Foxton

Special Feature: When Hufflepuffs Hate

In an exclusive interview with THP, Gary Goring admitted to tormenting Muggles and Muggle born students at Hogwarts.
THP: How do you get away with harming others?
GG: I'm just a poor, clumsy Hufflepuff, just trying to help. So if accidents happen a lot around me, if some mudblood gets warts in potions class every time she passes me an ingredient, if first year Ravenclaws find out the hard way that their earmuffs have the stuffing taken out when they go to re-pot mandrakes, well, who's to say there was malice behind those events? To most people, I'm just accident-prone.
THP: But how did you get into Hufflepuff house? Surely Helga Hufflepuff never intended for some with your...proclivities to represent her house.
GG: It's like this. I read my history books. I know about how some people have chosen one house over the other, you know? So I just told the dusty old thing that I preferred anything but Slytherin, that I would work very, very hard. I focused on images of me cleaning my house, sorting the garden, polishing the family brooms, and so on. The hat was fooled. Never even suspected I took those images off an unsuspecting house elf.
THP: That's pretty advanced magic for an eleven year old.
GG: Yeah, well. [eyes glint yellow] Maybe I lied about my age.
THP: Okay, that was unusual, with the eyes there. How about we wrap this up?
GG: Sure. How will you be traveling home? By train or floo powder?
THP: Are you trying to figure out if I'm going to a Muggle spot next?
GG: Or maybe you could just apparate out. Go ahead. The sound won't bother me.
THP: Er...You think I might be a Muggle?
GG: Oh, look, I've spilled my drink. Could you tidy this up a bit for me?
THP: Look, I've got to go. *pop* [apparates out]

Fighting Figs

Professor N. Longbottom, honorary Hufflepuff, has introduced a strain of Fighting Figs, the vicious (and delicious) Albanian fruit, to the Hogwarts Greenhouse.

"I felt that mandrakes were a bit too advanced for some of the younger students, but I like to keep my classes interesting for those who aren't as enthralled with plants as I am by adding an element of danger. Fighting Figs are known for their delicious flavor and incredibly sharp teeth, and the students have been learning to care for, pick, and slice the figs without any injuries." When asked how this project was going, he answered, "well, the Hufflepuffs seem to be naturals at it, although several first and second years were worried that cutting them open caused the figs pain. A few Slytherins have lost fingers, because they were tormenting the figs while they were still attached to the stem. The adolescent figs emit a loud squealing sound when in distress, much to the amusement of the Slytherins."

The figs, once prepared, have been used in several dishes made by the Hogwarts House-Elves, and were a hit among the faculty and students alike. One dish, made with honey, was a particular success. "The figs have a subtle flavor," reports one sixth year Hufflepuff. "It's more of an aftertaste, really- like a fine wine."

No matter how hard you try to be nice and helpful to everyone around you, there are some individuals who go out of their way to cause trouble. The Hufflepuff Post has compiled a list of ways to handle tense situations.

1. Do ten to fifteen minutes of stretches every morning before breakfast- you’ll be prepared to run away from any conflict that arises! Staying in shape is all a part of hard work, so you should be good at this. Take a run around the Quidditch field daily, or jog on your way to Herbology.
2. Be aware of the traffic patterns in the corridors between classes. It’s also good to be aware of secret passageways and shortcuts, but only if they’re teacher-approved. (You wouldn’t want to get in trouble!) This not only allows you to get to every class on time, avoiding trouble with your teachers, it makes it easy to avoid any student for as long as humanly possible. You can't fight if you never see them!
3. Be prepared to apologize- even if the other person is in the wrong. Hufflepuffs are almost never involved in physical altercations because we know how to be the bigger person.
4. Kill them with kindness. Or, as we at The Hufflepuff Post like to say, cuddle them with kindness- killing is wrong. When the Slytherin in your potions class knocks over your jar of beetle eyes and demands that you help them juice their seed pods, think of it as an opportunity to make a new friend. People are often so thrown off guard by a positive reaction that it makes them want to be a better person.