Fighting Figs

Professor N. Longbottom, honorary Hufflepuff, has introduced a strain of Fighting Figs, the vicious (and delicious) Albanian fruit, to the Hogwarts Greenhouse.

"I felt that mandrakes were a bit too advanced for some of the younger students, but I like to keep my classes interesting for those who aren't as enthralled with plants as I am by adding an element of danger. Fighting Figs are known for their delicious flavor and incredibly sharp teeth, and the students have been learning to care for, pick, and slice the figs without any injuries." When asked how this project was going, he answered, "well, the Hufflepuffs seem to be naturals at it, although several first and second years were worried that cutting them open caused the figs pain. A few Slytherins have lost fingers, because they were tormenting the figs while they were still attached to the stem. The adolescent figs emit a loud squealing sound when in distress, much to the amusement of the Slytherins."

The figs, once prepared, have been used in several dishes made by the Hogwarts House-Elves, and were a hit among the faculty and students alike. One dish, made with honey, was a particular success. "The figs have a subtle flavor," reports one sixth year Hufflepuff. "It's more of an aftertaste, really- like a fine wine."

No matter how hard you try to be nice and helpful to everyone around you, there are some individuals who go out of their way to cause trouble. The Hufflepuff Post has compiled a list of ways to handle tense situations.

1. Do ten to fifteen minutes of stretches every morning before breakfast- you’ll be prepared to run away from any conflict that arises! Staying in shape is all a part of hard work, so you should be good at this. Take a run around the Quidditch field daily, or jog on your way to Herbology.
2. Be aware of the traffic patterns in the corridors between classes. It’s also good to be aware of secret passageways and shortcuts, but only if they’re teacher-approved. (You wouldn’t want to get in trouble!) This not only allows you to get to every class on time, avoiding trouble with your teachers, it makes it easy to avoid any student for as long as humanly possible. You can't fight if you never see them!
3. Be prepared to apologize- even if the other person is in the wrong. Hufflepuffs are almost never involved in physical altercations because we know how to be the bigger person.
4. Kill them with kindness. Or, as we at The Hufflepuff Post like to say, cuddle them with kindness- killing is wrong. When the Slytherin in your potions class knocks over your jar of beetle eyes and demands that you help them juice their seed pods, think of it as an opportunity to make a new friend. People are often so thrown off guard by a positive reaction that it makes them want to be a better person.

Interview with a Vampire: How Professor Longbottom Helped Me Go Vegan

We brought you news just two years ago of Professor N. Longbottom's breakthrough discovery of the thirteenth use of dragon's blood, which, in combination with devil's snare seed pods, can be applied as a tincture that allows vampires to subsist on non-heme foods. Now we'll talk with the first Hufflepuff student who is also a vampire, Vladimir "Vlad" Valentino.

THP: So, Vlad, how are things at school?
VV: Vell, you know, I'm in Hufflepuff, so the other students treat me pretty nice, vhen they are not hiding from me. But I am to be made Keeper for the Quidditch team vhen ve return to school.
THP: That's quite an accomplishment. Have you always wanted to be Keeper?
VV: I think the idea is that maybe the other team vill not vant to be too close to the goals vhen I am guarding them.
THP: Haha. Yes. Well, about that. Do you find that the Longbottom Tincture has made your, er, bloodthirst, erm, dissipate?
VV: To be honest, I still crave the blood sometimes. But Professor Longbottom did not just make it possible for me not to drink blood. He also taught me about the environmental impacts of eating people. For instance, the carbon footprint of even one Hogwarts student is so enormous, that, vell, if you multiply that by how many of them I could drain in one year, it's embarrassing to admit, but I vould have the environmental record vorse than big oil companies.
THP: And that's not something you want?
VV, glaring: Of course not. I'm not a monster. The earth is very important to me.
THP: So you consider yourself an environmentalist?
VV: One of my favorite classes is herbology. I love gardening, alvays have. I used to vork in my family's fruit orchard as a boy, to feed the fruit bats ve kept as pets.
THP: Indeed. And did you bring a bat pet with you to Hogwarts?
VV: Of course. I keep her in the owlery. Her name is Mary. Bloody Mary.
THP: ...
VV: A joke. You know. For laughs. She is gentle. A fruit bat only. Ve did not keep the vampire sort, you know. Competition.
THP: So, what do you eat now?
VV: Treacle tart. Also the roast potatoes and pumpkin pasties. I find that the soft textures to me are reminiscent of..., vell, I enjoy the textures.
THP: Indeed. Well, thank you, Vlad, for your time. Best of luck to you this year at Hogwarts.

News in Brief: Hufflepuff would be cooler if founder hadn’t been named “Helga,” recent study shows

“We got off on the wrong foot,” says Prof. Ernie Macmillan. “Honestly, people named Helga just shouldn’t be allowed to found things. A recent study has shown that Hufflepuff House is at least 62 percent less cool as a direct result of our beloved founder’s first name.” Macmillan declined to comment on what having a name such as “Ernie” did for his coolness levels, claiming it was “entirely irrelevant” and that his mother “always said it was a perfectly lovely name.”
Associated press

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Hufflepuff continues winning streak of good sportsmanship

“Hufflepuff house is excited to be able to put our many talents to use by once again graciously accepting our stunning loss on the Quidditch field,” reports Boris Wagner, seeker. “I know for a fact that many Gryffindors would be upset, even angry, if their team had lost twenty to seven hundred and eighty, putting them out of the running for the championship game first game of the season, but we Hufflepuffs pride ourselves in our good sportsmanship.”
Within the first ten minutes of the game, there were two injuries and seven goals scored on Hufflepuff. No one in the crowd remembers the two goals being scored by Hufflepuff, and there is in fact a rumor circulating the Great Hall that the goals were awarded by scorekeeper Jennifer Jordan, Gryffindor, purely out of pity.
“Hopefully, next season we’ll have adequate reason to show what gracious winners we can be as well,” continues Wagner. “I’m really excited about some of the new blood we’re bringing in next year- there’s a lot of first years showing potential already. Several of them have stayed on their brooms for up to five and a half minutes!” Keeper Beulah Higgins is still recovering in the hospital wing from a nasty bludger to the head, but is expected to immerge with her IQ almost entirely intact within the next week.