We brought you news just two years ago of Professor N. Longbottom's breakthrough discovery of the thirteenth use of dragon's blood, which, in combination with devil's snare seed pods, can be applied as a tincture that allows vampires to subsist on non-heme foods. Now we'll talk with the first Hufflepuff student who is also a vampire, Vladimir "Vlad" Valentino.
THP: So, Vlad, how are things at school?
VV: Vell, you know, I'm in Hufflepuff, so the other students treat me pretty nice, vhen they are not hiding from me. But I am to be made Keeper for the Quidditch team vhen ve return to school.
THP: That's quite an accomplishment. Have you always wanted to be Keeper?
VV: I think the idea is that maybe the other team vill not vant to be too close to the goals vhen I am guarding them.
THP: Haha. Yes. Well, about that. Do you find that the Longbottom Tincture has made your, er, bloodthirst, erm, dissipate?
VV: To be honest, I still crave the blood sometimes. But Professor Longbottom did not just make it possible for me not to drink blood. He also taught me about the environmental impacts of eating people. For instance, the carbon footprint of even one Hogwarts student is so enormous, that, vell, if you multiply that by how many of them I could drain in one year, it's embarrassing to admit, but I vould have the environmental record vorse than big oil companies.
THP: And that's not something you want?
VV, glaring: Of course not. I'm not a monster. The earth is very important to me.
THP: So you consider yourself an environmentalist?
VV: One of my favorite classes is herbology. I love gardening, alvays have. I used to vork in my family's fruit orchard as a boy, to feed the fruit bats ve kept as pets.
THP: Indeed. And did you bring a bat pet with you to Hogwarts?
VV: Of course. I keep her in the owlery. Her name is Mary. Bloody Mary.
THP: ...
VV: A joke. You know. For laughs. She is gentle. A fruit bat only. Ve did not keep the vampire sort, you know. Competition.
THP: So, what do you eat now?
VV: Treacle tart. Also the roast potatoes and pumpkin pasties. I find that the soft textures to me are reminiscent of..., vell, I enjoy the textures.
THP: Indeed. Well, thank you, Vlad, for your time. Best of luck to you this year at Hogwarts.
THP: So, Vlad, how are things at school?
VV: Vell, you know, I'm in Hufflepuff, so the other students treat me pretty nice, vhen they are not hiding from me. But I am to be made Keeper for the Quidditch team vhen ve return to school.
THP: That's quite an accomplishment. Have you always wanted to be Keeper?
VV: I think the idea is that maybe the other team vill not vant to be too close to the goals vhen I am guarding them.
THP: Haha. Yes. Well, about that. Do you find that the Longbottom Tincture has made your, er, bloodthirst, erm, dissipate?
VV: To be honest, I still crave the blood sometimes. But Professor Longbottom did not just make it possible for me not to drink blood. He also taught me about the environmental impacts of eating people. For instance, the carbon footprint of even one Hogwarts student is so enormous, that, vell, if you multiply that by how many of them I could drain in one year, it's embarrassing to admit, but I vould have the environmental record vorse than big oil companies.
THP: And that's not something you want?
VV, glaring: Of course not. I'm not a monster. The earth is very important to me.
THP: So you consider yourself an environmentalist?
VV: One of my favorite classes is herbology. I love gardening, alvays have. I used to vork in my family's fruit orchard as a boy, to feed the fruit bats ve kept as pets.
THP: Indeed. And did you bring a bat pet with you to Hogwarts?
VV: Of course. I keep her in the owlery. Her name is Mary. Bloody Mary.
THP: ...
VV: A joke. You know. For laughs. She is gentle. A fruit bat only. Ve did not keep the vampire sort, you know. Competition.
THP: So, what do you eat now?
VV: Treacle tart. Also the roast potatoes and pumpkin pasties. I find that the soft textures to me are reminiscent of..., vell, I enjoy the textures.
THP: Indeed. Well, thank you, Vlad, for your time. Best of luck to you this year at Hogwarts.
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