Quick Quips from the Quick Quotes Quill

• Two evenings ago Gary Goring became the first Hufflepuff in the history of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to be expelled. His final offense was attempting to recreate the movie “Fight Club” in the room of requirement. To all the first and second years that were coerced into participating with the promise of looking like Brad Pitt, your nine Sickles will be returned in the Great Hall tomorrow morning.
• The Inter-House ABBA Kazoo Cover Band (more commonly referred to as IHAKCB, pronounced eye-hack-ab) is once again made entirely of Hufflrpuffs. Their first concert is next Tuesday evening in the Charms corridor at seven o’clock PM, so come on out and show your Huffy pride.

Small talk with Mr. Foxton

Dear Mr. Foxton,

The other day in the corridor, a Slytherin fifth year started antagonizing my little brother, a Hufflepuff second year. He threatened physical violence, and although I managed to find a teacher before any altercation took place, it got me thinking- what do you do when pacifism conflicts with loyalty? Those traits are two of the most important things to both me and the vast majority of Hufflepuff House, and should I ever be put in a situation where I have to choose between the two, I’d want to know what you’d advise before making my choice.

Thanks,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

This is a superb inquiry. In an ideal world, such moral dilemmas would never occur, but as it is, people such as this dastardly Slytherin exist. You were absolutely right to find a professor. However, if your brother had been in immediate physically danger, the correct response would’ve been to place yourself between him and the Slytherin. This gives your brother a chance to get away, and gives you a chance to either talk the bully down, or practice self-defense should you need to. I’d warn you against injuring your attacker for fear of harming your Hufflepuff lifestyle, but the fact of the matter is, as a Hufflepuff, you probably couldn’t hurt him if you tried.

All the best,

Mr. Foxton

Special Feature: When Hufflepuffs Hate

In an exclusive interview with THP, Gary Goring admitted to tormenting Muggles and Muggle born students at Hogwarts.
THP: How do you get away with harming others?
GG: I'm just a poor, clumsy Hufflepuff, just trying to help. So if accidents happen a lot around me, if some mudblood gets warts in potions class every time she passes me an ingredient, if first year Ravenclaws find out the hard way that their earmuffs have the stuffing taken out when they go to re-pot mandrakes, well, who's to say there was malice behind those events? To most people, I'm just accident-prone.
THP: But how did you get into Hufflepuff house? Surely Helga Hufflepuff never intended for some with your...proclivities to represent her house.
GG: It's like this. I read my history books. I know about how some people have chosen one house over the other, you know? So I just told the dusty old thing that I preferred anything but Slytherin, that I would work very, very hard. I focused on images of me cleaning my house, sorting the garden, polishing the family brooms, and so on. The hat was fooled. Never even suspected I took those images off an unsuspecting house elf.
THP: That's pretty advanced magic for an eleven year old.
GG: Yeah, well. [eyes glint yellow] Maybe I lied about my age.
THP: Okay, that was unusual, with the eyes there. How about we wrap this up?
GG: Sure. How will you be traveling home? By train or floo powder?
THP: Are you trying to figure out if I'm going to a Muggle spot next?
GG: Or maybe you could just apparate out. Go ahead. The sound won't bother me.
THP: Er...You think I might be a Muggle?
GG: Oh, look, I've spilled my drink. Could you tidy this up a bit for me?
THP: Look, I've got to go. *pop* [apparates out]