Hufflepuff Makes Center of Witch Weakly

In the knockoff news magazine's April contest for best house elf impersonator, three out of three top awards went to Hufflepuffs, as well as one honorable mention. Caraway Craven, shown at left, won top spot for her use of a designer tea cozy in her costume. Said Hufflepuff Head Girl Bovinia Belles about the win, "Most Hufflepuffs work so hard that they don't need house elves. I think that's why so many of us admire them. Of course when you share a value as lofty as hard work with another magical species, there's a connection there. I'm not surprised that my fellow Puffs ranked highest in the contest. It takes a lot of hard work to pretend to be a misjudged and scorned slave species."

Prizes for the winners included a book of Mathilda Snewtwart's latest household tips, posh scouring potions, and those slugs that clean the side of fish tanks.

Breaking News

A recent sweep of the Hufflepuff Common Room revealed a spate of attempts to hide clumsiness among House members. The sweep was made after Madam Pomfrey reported nine injuries to the buttocks regions of Hufflepuffs. Said Pomfrey, "After removing the fifth set of duck wings from Hufflepuff nethers, I went to the Headmaster, I did."

Mr. Argus Filch confiscated no less than seven broken wands stuffed into flower pots, under rugs, and, most dangerously, into the couch cushions. Other magical fragments were also binned, including expired floo powder. "It's no wonder the worst that has happened was a few duck bums! Arg," Filch commented.

In addition to finding quantities of broken objects in the common room, Filch noticed many obvious signs of alarmed students trying to cope with fear by magical means. Attempts ranged from trying to pass off frightening copies of The Monster Book of Monsters as footstools (with the aid of a binding spell) to dumping failed potions experiments in flower vases.

In related news, herbology Professor Neville Longbottom has begun grafting and potting seeds from four previously unseen flora species. Longbottom had this to say about the raid: "It's great that the kids have advanced herbology and all, but the take away message here is not to try to ditch your frightening bits of school work or the results of magical mishaps in the common room. We never had this problem in Gryffindor."